Freedom always sounds so enticing until I realize that I don't trust myself enough to make the "right" decision.
Being raise on the idea that certain things are right, good, and better while others wrong, bad, and worse has been my biggest downfall. I find myself analyzing the pros and cons of getting Panera or Chik-fil-a, Studying at the library or a coffee shop, taking a shower at night or in the morning. I feel like I waste all this energy on decisions that have little to no effect on the greater picture of my life.
As someone who can hardly decide what shirt to wear in the morning, imagine my anguish when faced with difficult life decisions. True grey area options. There really is no right or wrong answer, I just have to make a choice that will dictate how my life unfolds. Maybe the real culprit isn't a big sense of shame but just FOMO. Though, its probably some horrible combination of both.
This affects my self worth too, you know. I feel like my brain operates under a points-based system, assigning positive or negative worth to every outcome. Like in The Good Place, each decision increments or decrements my score. However, I differ from The Good Place in that this score is not something that gets revealed upon arrival in the afterlife. It instead is something I am constantly analyzing, rationalizing, and negotiating. Its exhausting.
I don't know if I am supposed to end this rant with a proposed solution. The conversation of self worth, big decisions, and shame is a convoluted one that will probably take me a lifetime to articulate. If I'm being honest, I wrote the bulk of this two weeks ago and the best solution I found was to stop rationalizing.